So behind the scenes- I’ve been finishing up a new book. I’ve been very excited about it. And, as they say, “the closer you get to the gates, the louder the lions roar.” That’s a poetic way for saying I’m hairy scared at times.
So the other day, I started looking at my fears more honestly. Here’s what came up for me, at least on that Wednesday. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to miscalculate. I am afraid to believe I’ve written something that will really move people. I’m afraid I’ll be wrong. I’m afraid the breaks won’t be with me and it will be hard. I’m afraid I’ll have abandoned paying work-projects in favor of a pleasing vapor. I’m afraid of being disappointed. Oh, pay dirt. This is the fear that has me muted. Truth to self, and you: I’m afraid of believing in even bigger dreams and being disappointed. Yes, me, queen of daring your dreams.
But I don’t have a choice. That much I know. I’m in this until the cows come home, and until we all come home, or the very least, until I do.
So here’s a bit of my self-talk, that has helped me walk forward with eyes open and heart held high. No one result is the result. Not everything rests on this one step, but it is the next step.
From that step, I’ll discover more, learn more, and grow more. Ultimately, I am not in this for a particular outcome, but for the pilgrimage, for the experience of consistently listening to my love and strength in this lifetime and seeing where that takes me over time. I cannot be disappointed– if I stay devoted. I will always go forward. I will always give myself new chances. I will always call upon my regenerative and infinite Spirit. I am devoted to the ride. I am devoted to my possibilities and the promise in my bones. I choose devotion to my dream over devotion to my pride and protection.
Besides, what if I’m holding myself back from the party of a lifetime? Pass the chips and turn up the music, I’m going in.