I hate saying this, but I am grateful for the hard times. Of course, I’ve read all the stuff that talks about “how everything is a gift, blah, blah, blah.” Sometimes when you have more emails than brain cells, your hormones are whacked, your child has a fever, your bank account has a leak, or your boss is a viper, you want to shove the gift back in the Universe’s face. You might want to scream “Get a personal shopper, for God’s sake” only then you remember that this gift is for God’s sake– because it is meant for the unconditionally powerful and free within you.
This is why I’m grateful for things that fall apart. Left to my own devices, I’m an overachiever. I’ll get things done. I’ll get them done well. I’ll get them done so well people will want to weep with gratitude. Never mind, that I might also want to cry with exhaustion. I have will power. I have that which overrides emotion. I have that which overrides desires. Until it doesn’t. Because I am also endowed with a Dragon Super Power. You are, too.
This dragon super power is the one who “shuts everything down.” It’s a dark power, a wailing badass that will kick my will power to the curb, and break my iron will into the flint of breakthrough. The dragon snorts ups up my sense of control. Sometimes it comes as illness, terror, betrayal, frustration. It is a vengeance that changes the rules. It can turn the ordinary into the unbearable in seconds that feel like years. It will make me say uncle, aunt, and holey moly– and the mantras of ancient chants and prayers. It is the force that takes me to my knees and to the stars.
When I practiced law, I could force myself to bill hours, even though I couldn’t bear my life. I couldn’t admit to myself that I wanted to leave it all. I couldn’t acknowledge that I wanted to “throw everything away” and walk into the sunset. I wouldn’t admit to myself that I wanted to walk on a beach and write poetry. I didn’t want to be responsible anymore. I wanted to be free.
The dark power made me get honest. The dark power slipped me a mickey that changed my brain chemistry. I remember one day reading a bankruptcy case and realizing I’d been staring at the page for about 30 minutes, 30 unbillable minutes. I hadn’t paid attention to one word. It became clear that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to work anymore. Now, I couldn’t work anymore. The dark power had corrupted my faculties. I could no longer think clearly or blunt my wild emotions. I could no longer deny the power of the truth. I wanted out.
It got worse. The dark power stole my will to live. I hated practicing law. But it was unthinkable that I could ever leave. Therefore I would have to die. It would be the only way to leave. The pain increased. Pain is the weapon of the dark power, the scalpel of this surgeon. Finally, when I felt enough pain, I was willing to die. And then a strange thing happened. I was willing to really live. I was willing to choose freedom over control, excitement over safety. And so began a larger, invincible, creative life that has left me in awe and gratitude. I’ve walked on beaches and written poetry.
The dragon has visited me in other times, too. It has backed me up against the wall or had me sleepless with anxiety. The dragon has screwed with the knobs in my cerebral cortex, causing panic attacks and other miseries. And always I have gotten to the place where I finally release myself into the freedom of giving myself permission to fall.
So kill me. So sue me. So whatever. I’m done. I give up.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
I don’t care.
It’s the magic words, the release from hell. The attachment is broken, the obsession withers, the fever breaks and I surrender. I no longer want anything but peace. I no longer need things to turn out my way or to go away. And finally I am open-minded. I can allow a thousand options in. I can choose anything now, because I don’t care. And that’s where Spirit lives, in the vortex of a thousand options, infinite opportunities, and an open mind. The dark power is what takes me to the Sweeping Light and a freedom that tastes like sugar. The dark power breaks through my resistance and the fear of letting go. Maybe it takes a dragon to break the grip of the primitive lizard survival brain. Maybe it takes a dragon to release the wonder of letting go and being lifted or catapulted in a new direction.
What a are you still holding on to? Attachment is the dragon’s food. It is what stokes its fire. You have a dark power that is stronger than your will power. This darkness is alive and wild. It is more powerful than anything you can control. It clears the way for your True Life, the only life that stems from within and does not need to be controlled.
Its real name is love.
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