Walking the Tightrope of Transition: Friends, It’s All About Me Right Now

tightropeI’d rather be rude than regret my life.  How about you?

When you’re in the middle of changing your life, you’re going to need to change some habits.  Your social life may take a hit.

When you’re walking on a tightrope, you don’t have the bandwidth to talk to your drama-crisis-darling friend who has just broken up with her guy for the 47th time.

Because you need your focus right now.  You need extra attention.  You’re in the middle of a swamp negotiating alligators.  You’re walking down a deserted alley in a sketchy part of town, lost, and you can’t even find your smart phone (because someone wasn’t smart enough to bring it.)  Yes, you’re following your bliss.  But let’s be real.  Change is change.  It comes at you like a mugger sometimes, robbing you of serenity.  It spikes your adrenaline.  It’s not polite.  So you can’t be as polite with others– as you negotiate the newness of your life.

I felt bad the other day.  I had finally taken some time to write.  Finally, hit a high note, too.  But then I had to leave this party to talk to my friend.  My friend stole the conversation.  I let him do it.  He’s witty and even when he’s only talking about himself, he throws so many sparks into the night sky.  Today, I didn’t care about the sparks.  I wanted to go back to my own.  I left my party to join his.  We hung up, and he felt fuller and more alive.  I felt pissed.

This has been happening to me a lot lately.  I’m noticing

that I only want to talk about what’s going on for me.  I am a bottomless well.  I am an attention hog.  Am I training to be a diva?  I ask this in the secret corners of my journal.  I’d put it in code if I knew how.  Am I just intolerant, hormonal, or has following my  “bliss” turned me manic or misanthropic?

And this is what I’ve come up with so far.

I need more love right now.

I’m scared.

I’m about to launch my second book into the world in August 2012, and behind the scenes, I’m re-doing my website, my business identity, my life.  I’m preparing to walk into uncharted territory.  This is my time in life.  I am about to walk out onto a bigger stage.  And I’m scavenging every nook and cranny of my psyche before I do it.

Part of me is frightened and just wants to stay with what I know.  Part of me is furious and wants to tear into a bigger limelight already, or, say, about ten years ago.  Part of me is afraid I’ll walk out into this life and get swept up in a current I can’t control.  I’ll swallow salt water, spit seaweed, goof up a media appearance, and regret the day I thought I had a message.  Another part of me is afraid that I’ll do all this work to change, and then, it will fizzle, won’t be the big deal I’m making it out to be and I’ll be embarrassed and older and have a new website that doesn’t really deliver.  I’ll have believed in a comet, when really it was just a firefly.

So, yes, I have a lot on my mind.  I have monkeys swinging around in the jungle. My heart feels like it’s in a heightened state of capacity.  Fears beat the bongos again.  I am walking the tightrope of transition going from one world to another.  I don’t have the same latitude I usually do.  I’m on a mission.  I’m serving a light. And I’m daring to be a Petri dish experiment in my own life.  I’d like to be kind and compassionate, and win a few awards for most likeable human on the planet, but I can’t afford to lose my focus right now.

Right now, in the early stages of birth, with a crown just barely coming out of the womb, I’m erring on the side of being vigilant.  I’m keeping my focus on myself. I’ll have more to give later.  But right now, I just have to breathe and concentrate.