Anxiety Leads to Love: Choosing My Thoughts, Identity, and Life

anxietyThe other night I couldn’t sleep, my mind was churning through details.  It was like a rat hunting in a dumpster, scurrying, digging relentlessly.  The thing is I didn’t realize this.  I knew I couldn’t sleep.  I knew I was going over details in my mind, parsing challenges, and feeling hopped up about some things going on.

I started to meditate for just a moment.  I interrupted my habitual, automatic, unchosen thoughts with this thought:  I am the Beloved.  I took some solid deep breaths in and felt into that—I am the beloved.  What would my life be like if I really knew that I was loved and cherished by a loving, dynamic, uber-intelligent Universe?  What would I be thinking about if I knew I was loved and taken care of by God, always, all ways, and in impeccable, creative ways?  What would life be like?

I felt different.  I felt like I stepped out of the repetitive cycle of self-attack, fears, and details.  The wind stopped howling, the litter settled down.  It horrified me to see what I had been casually and unconsciously spending my mental and emotional energy on, what I was spending my Life on.  It felt like waking up in the middle of the night, realizing you’d been eating voraciously and habitually out of a garbage can.  I saw my unconscious mind, caught it in the act, like meeting a menacing stranger, that lived within.  What had I been doing?

I embodied a new energy.  What did it mean for me to be there?  It meant trusting, trusting, trusting on every level that I am loved and taken care of, that every cell is accounted for and cherished, that nothing is by accident, that Love is the only power I wish to listen to– and that that Authority is real.

I just started focusing my thoughts, changing them to the one pointed mantra within:  I am the Beloved, I am the Beloved.

Then automatically, almost involuntarily, I started thinking things that matched that.  I thought of something sweet Paul, my partner, had said to me.  I thought of the kindness in him and how he brought that to my life.  I thought of friends who rooted for me.  I thought of something new I wanted to write, stars now emerging like diamonds in my inner night sky.  More thoughts started cascading, good things, exciting things, happy memories, new hopes.  It was amazing to watch.  I was on a different axis.  I was on a different plane.  I was a different person with different possibilities.  This took place in 5 minutes of conscious effort.  It opened my eyes to how asleep I’ve been.  The power of the mind is immense.