The other night I couldn’t sleep, my mind was churning through details. It was like a rat hunting in a dumpster, scurrying, digging relentlessly. The thing is I didn’t realize this. I knew I couldn’t sleep. I knew I was going over details in my mind, parsing challenges, and feeling hopped up about some things going on.
I started to meditate for just a moment. I interrupted my habitual, automatic, unchosen thoughts with this thought: I am the Beloved. I took some solid deep breaths in and felt into that—I am the beloved. What would my life be like if I really knew that I was loved and cherished by a loving, dynamic, uber-intelligent Universe? What would I be thinking about if I knew I was loved and taken care of by God, always, all ways, and in impeccable, creative ways? What would life be like?
I felt different. I felt like I stepped out of the repetitive cycle of self-attack, fears, and details. The wind stopped howling, the litter settled down. It horrified me to see what I had been casually and unconsciously spending my mental and emotional energy on, what I was spending my Life on. It felt like waking up in the middle of the night, realizing you’d been eating voraciously and habitually out of a garbage can. I saw my unconscious mind, caught it in the act, like meeting a menacing stranger, that lived within. What had I been doing?
I embodied a new energy. What did it mean for me to be there? It meant trusting, trusting, trusting on every level that I am loved and taken care of, that every cell is accounted for and cherished, that nothing is by accident, that Love is the only power I wish to listen to– and that that Authority is real.
I just started focusing my thoughts, changing them to the one pointed mantra within: I am the Beloved, I am the Beloved.
Then automatically, almost involuntarily, I started thinking things that matched that. I thought of something sweet Paul, my partner, had said to me. I thought of the kindness in him and how he brought that to my life. I thought of friends who rooted for me. I thought of something new I wanted to write, stars now emerging like diamonds in my inner night sky. More thoughts started cascading, good things, exciting things, happy memories, new hopes. It was amazing to watch. I was on a different axis. I was on a different plane. I was a different person with different possibilities. This took place in 5 minutes of conscious effort. It opened my eyes to how asleep I’ve been. The power of the mind is immense.